Updated: Sep 27
“A letter to my husband”
Sometimes it’s easier to just give up, rather than try to work it out...
Thankfully neither of us are quitters♥️
I feel you.
At night. When we’re out for dinner. When we’re chillin’ at home watching tv. Admiring me. Wanting to do the ‘dirty’- to only wait until we are alone and get the same lame excuses over & over.
The uncertainty. The crappy way it must make you feel. Your wondering, Am I enough?
I feel you.
I hear you.
”It’s always my fault. Michelle everything is always my fault.“
I wish you didn’t feel that way.
I wish I didn’t make you feel that way.
I wish sometimes I would take the blame.
And stop playing the blame game.
I hear you.
I see you.
Lost. Broken from your past. A boy who had to endure lost, tragedy and heart ache.
Looking at our life, our kids. “We have it all.” Asking yourself “why not me.”
Questioning & wishing. “What if things were different. What if you had done more?” Sitting here in the dark of night. Silent.
No one speaks.
I see you.
I admire you.
The successful goal getter you.
I live viciously through you.
I’m so proud of you.
Proud of what you’ve become.
What you’ve done for me and our little family. Your sacrifice working towards a big goal to have an even bigger life!
I admire you.
I see me. Uncertain. Unemotional. Overreacting. Unloving, uncaring.
I see me. Tired. On overdrive.
Unable to shut it off.
Unable to disconnect.
Unable to truly take a break.
I see me.
July 26th, driving to Fogo to pick up the kids after a wild night out with some old work peeps. I’m listing to third eye blind, talking into my phone- voice recording this as I drive. It’s been nearly three months and I still haven’t published this yet. Likely because I’m an emotional rollercoaster and I seem to always write best the week leading up to my period lol
I love you. Your patience. Your warm heart. Your kind and genuine manner.
I secretly have a love/hate relationship with you.
Like I love it when you help around the house. I need you to do that actually, but I secretly hate it when you do the laundry or the dishes. The kids don't scream, cry & cling to you the same way they do me, they aren't tearing the place down- you make it look so easy and care free. Sometimes I hate you for that.
Anyone else do any covid dates? Or taking whatever child free moments in the day to do something with your “better” half? Ours usually consist of chats about work, our next business venture- but none the less were taking those random covid dates. If you aren't chances are you like 50% of our friends/ family and co-workers that are on the brink of loosing it- packing up, maybe sleeping on the couch. Christ even the celebrity couple that I faithfully watch announced their calling it quits. Covid- has thought me many things, if your marriage can survive this- chances are it‘ll survive anything.
It was probably only 3 weeks into the pandemic and I started to notice the trend. I had friends calling- “I asked him to move out.“ Neighbours acting a little strange- to find out days later their calling it quits. Co-workers writing me for a place to crash. Just weeks into the world wide pandemic, I was stressing over home school, while others were turning their lives upside down. Anyone else notice? Maybe it's just me.
I struggled with this blog.
I knew for weeks I wanted to write about our marriage. But I struggled to try and get things on paper. First of all, I dont have time to sit and write- I‘m just writing thoughts & ideas on the fly and trying to piece it all together days later. Maybe I’m scared what people would say- maybe they’d judge. Afraid what Josh would say if he knew I was putting our "love" life out there for the world to see. I know I don't have any expert advise on how to keep a marriage happy and healthy- and usually my blog has some sort of concrete steps or “list" of things I‘m doing. The more I think about it, I’m not really sure what it is I want to say. This blog isn't about fixing a crappy marriage- I’m not a marriage councilor, but more of a piece to reassure you that real life relationships sometimes suck. It’s all too easy to throw in the towel, throw it all away right now instead of working on it. Maybe if you had just that one friend, someone to relate to- you might try a little harder before calling it quits.
So be prepared, I may ramble lol. It’s Friday night, 10:30pm. 3 months have passed and I still haven’t pressed publish. Ben is still up. We're playing a board game- I HATE board games. The game is called cashflow. Don’t ask- I had to google it to and nearly died when I seen the price. Josh at the head of the table, tickled pink. Like a kid in the candy store- smiling from ear to ear playing a real life version of monopoly. He's a lawyer, buying & selling stocks, Investment properties left right and centre, 3 kids and lots of passive income. I’m a doctor, large salary, no kids, one investment property, lots of money in the bank- both trying to work toward a bigger life. Goal of the game (from my understanding) gain enough passive income to get out of the everyday rat race, living cheque to cheque & live a bigger more fulfilling life. Like doesn’t that sound oddly familiar. Better late then never I guess, kinda wish I played it when I was 25 to be honest.
This is my Friday night. Ben laughing as he rolls the dice for Josh- telling him to buy all the properties. "lets buy the subway dad, like the abandon one downtown and turn it into a ice cream store"... he's his fathers child I tell ya. This is what our marriage looks like, through the worlds pandemic. It so funny, because I actually despise board games- like I have no desire to play them, like ever. Money- when it comes to money the only thing I know is how to spend it. Josh is good with saving/investing- self taught, googling and reading business books everyday. I'm wasteful lol I‘ll be honest- covid has made me a little more conservative, but none the less- I know how to swipe the card and make a payment, pretty much it.
Sipping on my Pinot on a Friday night- not online shopping, not downtown with the girls or binge watching the real house wives, but instead learning about real life. Josh keeps saying you gotta know your numbers- talking about the boutique I guess. You need to know the basics "profit/loss/revenue" sounds thrilling- sooo boring to me. But I'll do it- I’ll try my best to learn the basics, just because it'll make him happy. I’ll site here and play this board game, will I complain, yea 100%. Will I figure it all out- not likely but I‘ll make an effort. Marriage- about compromise.
Our sex life.
This is when mom you stop reading...anyone else who may feel very awkward reading...STOP NOW! Thanks, you've been warned. Like any mommas out there in their 30s or any age really think once a month is enough lol. Let's be real. We're drained. The kids, the schedules, working after hours, the housework....the list goes on. Now dont get me wrong, I know our partners have a long list too- but their hardwired to turn shit off, the running to do list isn't on overdrive 24/7. Its funny I was at a baby shower and we were playing a game- like pass the parcel. The question was "who in the room likely had sex last night?” In a room full of 25 women- I was the one chosen...lol how ironic. They weren't wrong, but it was actually 5am that morning! Oh so frisky, I‘m a morning gal. But what they didnt know, it was probably the first time in 2 weeks... Josh would say the 1st time in 3 weeks- he over exaggerates sometimes I think.
Maybe it's a post baby thing. Maybe it’s the emotional & physically exhaustion from being a women, and a mom. I‘m sure my lack of interest and lame excuses makes him feel like shit. In my defence, I was never one to make the first move- but that doesn’t make it right. I'm sure he thinks it something to do with him, I say its me- I'm tired, bad belly lol yea I got all the lame excuse. Maybe I‘m the only one? Maybe this isn't normal and I should be the lady in the street and the freak in the bed?
I try. Like that once every couple week event is glorious- we've never ever had an issue "satisfying" one another if you get what Im laying down, I say to myself “why don't I do this more?" But, the next morning same lame I'm tired excuse. I write in my journal "better wife". with jot notes following, "more interested, intimate, make TIME for our marriage" aka do the dirty. I write “Selflessness brings togetherness.” I write it as a reminder to try harder, some day a switch might go off- and when I hit my prime look out Josh I'm coming for ya:)
We can’t stay mad at each-other.
We bicker at each other ALL THE TIME. Constant to be honest lol. Sure we have a blow up from time to time too- usually it’s around that time of month and maybe he’s left the seat up.. you get it, our hormones are a mess that week. Sometimes (which I hate to admit) we go to bed angry... no affectionate good night kiss, but instead a small peck like you’d give your grandmother. I know it’s not right, but sometimes you need a little time before you make-up. Angry or upset, the next morning- whoever was at fault mans up, you really got to! Life is hard. Being an adult is hard. Being a parent is hard. Being your own boss is hard. And being a good lover is equally as hard- just admit you were wrong, apologize and move on.
They say theres a million fish in the sea and finding that one that makes you happy (even mad sometimes) is a blessing. No one is perfect- contrary to how it may be precieved on the outside. We all have our flaws, even me-
and our marriage. Communication, compromise, selflessness & making time for each other is key... as you can tell we’re still working on all that:)
Ps spell check sucks on my phone... Spelling has never been a strength-please excuse all the mistakes ✌️