"Kristy". I see you. Perfect mom. Sat in the passenger seat while your hubby drives the Benz. Staring. Mortified. Judging me in my cute pink discount coat, 7 year old splash pants, that are a little too big. Sporting my haggard makeup free face, as I quickly scurry across the street in front of you. Or actually as I drag my 2 year old kicking and screaming across the street while you sit there in disgust. My 6 year old has gone off in the distance alone on his bike- crossing the street himself.. my god what kind of mother am I? Shit there goes Scarlett- face plants into the pavement, bottom up... I shake my head, laugh, embarrassed and drag her to the sidewalk. Wave apolitically and you just stare in disbelief... happy Mother’s Day to you too bit%h.
I'm that mom... sorry I warned you there would be curse words from time to time. That mom dressed in cheetah, blinged out, over dressed & fashionable late. Then the next minute (and most days now since covid) I look like I’m around the bay heading in the woods cursing a uttering oaths at the youngsters. Treckin in the dirt. Luggin kids to random mud holes so they can play, fall and get soaked while I sit on the side lines, kinda pay attention to them, yea kinda and work from my phone- you know I'll jump in from time to time to save the day. Rescue Scarlett when she falls face & eyes in the mud puddle. I gotta take a snap for my story- didn't happen if you didn't document right? I'm the farthest thing from the overprotective Mom, with her umbrella children, smothering them... yea I’m pretty much the exact opposite.
The dirty potty mouth Mom. Every second word is a curse word- its natural, not at all forced- fluent, like people don't even notice it anymore. My toddlers fav word right now is "shit." Using it in the proper context. Spills her milk..."shit Momma." Waste her full bowl of spaghetti over her lap "oh shit".... no one even bats an eye anymore or bothers to correct her... #momlife she's learning from the best.
The mom who skipped all those baby play dates because I just couldn’t sit around and talk about how cute and perfect my kids were. Oh Ben finally wipes his own ass & Scarlett has given up her soother guys- I have such awesome kids.... like most moms, I live, eat and breath baby. Sorry, I didn't go to those mommy group invites, I’m sorry. When Ben was a baby I tried, man did I ever try. That desperate lonely mom in me tried, but man was I ever quick with coming up with excuses after the first couple. With Scarlett I can recall one organised playdate, just the one time I met with random moms. Believe me guys, if any of you are reading this, you were great, but I'd like to touch base with you after your second baby to see what kind of group you're looking for then. I needed that group who just threw their kids on the floor with a couple toys, soft snacks while the moms all sat on real furniture and enjoyed a hot coffee.. in peace. Gossiped, talk about how rotted we were with our husbands and laughed because we knew we weren’t alone... don’t know if these groups actually exist, but man they should.
The "Yes" mom." Self Isolation has really turned me into the “yes, I don't give a crap” Mom. EIGHT weeks guys, Its ben 8 weeks, going into 9 now of physical distancing, I don't know about anyone else, but I don't even listen to the kids question or request anymore, its just like, sure go fill your boots. My "yes-o-meter" as someone referred to it in a recent podcast I listened to, is on overdrive. It’s like you want Ice cream for supper- fill your boots. You wanna stay up past 10pm- sure but let's make a deal. You head on up to your room at 8:30pm, read first then get your Ipad and you promise to stay in the room until 8am the next day...."deal" Ben is in his glee! Ends up o his Ipad from 8:30pm til we go to be at 10... we forget to bring his Ipad out, so he wakes the crack of dawn, and jumps back on his ipad.. yea thats me🙋🏻♀️ Right now pretty much anything goes. Guys, as long as it don’t land us having to go to the hospital- give’Er!
The Mom who hasn't really been doing any home schooling. The "I really have no time" for structured home schooling kinda Mom. Does baking count? Does dance parties count? Tic tok videos and bike rides must count? I certainly hope so. We havent been sitting down doing any set scheduled activities. No printed resources or online activities around here. We try to hop on the class meets every Friday when we can, if we miss it, we're likely up in the mud digging for worms.
The mom who has dyed her sons hair not once, but twice since all this covid started... my nieces too. They are 6 and 7 years old. I did get her to ask my brother first for permission. 9pm on a Thursday night, bleaching my 6 year olds hair. Kinda wish someone could be mine honestly....
The mom who creates a Family You Tube channel. Gives the kids my phone to eat up up all the storage in my cloud with random retakes of videos....fake it til you make it right? They even started ending their videos with "Peace"... wonder where their getting that to?
The Mom who turns her kid front facing at 22 months old... am I in trouble? Public Health nurses stop reading now if you're going to rant on me. The internet says 20lbs... she's 25 so guys give me a break. The screaming had to stop. We're doing lots of random driving now around town lol when we aren't walking. She's tickled pink and loving life.
The mom who reminds her kids to brush their teeth before bed- do we miss a time or two, of freaking course we do. The mom who tries to make sure her kids get a bath every second day right now...have we gone 4 days? Yep, you betcha.
The Mom who is just trying to keep everyone alive and happy. While we're still trying to maneuver through these strange times. We have help...thaaaaaank Fuck for the double bubble and for the best friend a girl could ask for- who literally has moved from her quiet peaceful home into our real life zoo! Please don't call social services lol for going 4 days without a bath lol honestly, I love my kids. I half ass this Mom game ALL THE TIME and for now, in this crazy isolated world we live in- I'm entertaining anything and everything my little zoo would like to do....do what works for you!
Real Life Bombshell
Ps "Kristy" I have no idea if thats your name- lol and if there is a Kristy reading this who lives in the subdivision Im sorry,I have no idea what the chicks name was in the Benz...chances are she was just driving through, not many Benz owners in my neighbourhood 🙋🏻♀️